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Forwarded from the DEPAVE-EARTH Distribution List via the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition:

Inspired by former cyclist Pete Earlam, by Tom Clancy's Armored Cav, and by various laws and trends:

Crash

Car Driver: Gets out of car. "Sorry. I didn't see you."

Cyclist: Groans in pain. "How could you not see me? It's broad daylight, I'm wearing bright dayglo reflective colors, and I had front and rear lights on. My bike is destroyed. I think some bones are broken. I'm bleeding.

Car Driver: "Well, you shouldn't have been out in the middle of the road. Don't you know it's rush hour? People have to get to work. Why don't you go play on the bike trail? Aren't you a little old to be playing with bikes, anyway? Well, since you don't seem to be seriously hurt, I really must be on my..."

CRUNCH!!!!!

Car Driver: "My car! You destroyed my car!"

Police: "All right. What's going on here?"

Car Driver: "That tank just ran over my car!"

Tank Driver: "Sorry. I didn't see you."

Car Driver: "How could you not see me? It's broad daylight. The car was bright orange. My lights were on."

Tank Driver: "I guess I just wasn't looking for cars. What were you doing out in the middle of the road, anyway? At least nobody was hurt."

Cyclist: Bleeds to death. Nobody notices.

Car Driver: "Nobody hurt? My child was in the back seat!"

Police: "Your child was in that car? I'm going to have to cite you for that. Child endangerment is a very serious crime."

Car Driver: "How can you cite me? That tank just came out of nowhere and crushed my car!"

Police: "I know it sounds strange. But there's a precedent. Back in the 90s, several states passed laws against cyclists carrying children in rear trailers, after one or two children were killed by careless motorists. Actually, this child endangerment law has one exemption -- it doesn't apply to motorists who protested that law against children in bike trailers. But we both know you didn't protest it. No motorist did."

Tank Driver: "Officer, may I be on my way? I'll be late for work."

Police: "Sure. I see that your papers are all in order. Registration. License. Internal passport. Drug-free pledge. Socialist in Security. Hillary MediCard. Try to keep an eye out for cars."

Tank Driver: "I will." Drives off in a cloud of thick black smoke and noise, inadvertantly crushing two parked cars, which nobody notices.

Car Driver: "But how am I supposed to transport my child if I can't do it in a car? I can't afford a tank."

Police: "I don't know. What did those cyclists do when child trailers were banned? I guess they went out and bought cars, even if it meant no more money for vacations, books, music, theater, movies, fine food, the net, hobbies, dating, Christmas gifts, or charity work. People have to get their priorities in order. Anyhow, I see that this isn't your first offense. Just last month you ran a red light."

Car Driver: "That light was stuck permanently on red. There's a sensor, but it's only triggered by tanks."

Police: "Well, naturally. If they made the sensors sensitive enough to pick up cars, they might be triggered by tanks in the next lane. Then lights would cycle when they don't need to, and traffic would be needlessly slowed down. You should have either waited for a tank to come along and trigger it for you, or else gotten out of your car, waited for a gap in traffic, and pushed your car through the intersection. Since this is your second traffic offense, I'm going to have to confiscate your car."

Car Driver: "Go right ahead and confiscate it. It's so much worthless rubbish now."

Police: "You're welcome to keep the rubbish. We'll be confiscating your insurance payment for it."

Car Driver: "But how can you do that? Don't I get a trial? I need that money. How am I to get anywhere? With tax rates what they are, I barely have enough to live on."

Police: "It was considered too much of a burden on the court system to have jury trials for minor traffic offenses. Do you have any idea how many times motorists were dragged in front of a judge? No, the state has *two* precedents for this. It's long been accepted that cyclists who break traffic laws can have their bikes confiscated on the spot, with no chance for appeal. And it's also long been accepted that it's ok to confiscate cars of people suspected of breaking minor victimless crime laws, such as drug laws. As for taxes, naturally they had to be raised, to make the roads wide enough for tanks, to buy tanks, fuel, maintenance, garages, and tank parking for state local, and federal agencies, and to repave the torn up pavement every week. But it was worth it. No more long lines of cars in a traffic jam -- tanks can just drive right over top of each other. And no more drive-by shootings either -- bullets just bounce right off. And of course nobody can car-jack a tank. What were you doing in the middle of the road, anyway? Don't you know it's rush hour?"

Car Driver: "But cars have a perfect right to use the public roads. Paved roads were *built* for cars."

Police: "Technically, you're correct, you do have the right to be stupid and play in the street. But don't be surprised when you get hurt. As for who paved roads were built for, the oldest ones were built for pedestrians and cyclists. The newest ones were built for tanks. The ones in between were orginally meant mainly for cars, yes, but that doens't matter. All that matters is what the people *today* want. And the great majority have chosen tanks. However, there's a special road reserved for cars not far from here. Why weren't you on that?"

Car Driver: "You mean the county recreational shared trail? It doesn't go anywhere near where I live or where I work, that's why. Besides, it's always clogged with cyclists and pedestrians. It's impossible to go more than 20 mph, even if the pavement was maintained, plowed, and kept clear of broken glass. Last time I was on it I got a flat tire. Also, tank drivers aren't aware of it and careen right through the intersections with the tank roads without looking."

Police: "Well, I don't have all day to chat. I don't know why you'd want to exceed 20 mph. Get that rubbish out of the road in ten minutes, or I'll give you another ticket. If you really have no money, our state has a fine WorkFare system. Three x return for your labor for the state. Where do you think we get the labor for the constant street repaving?"